Consinema Movie Review: The Immortals

2 of a possible 5 bags

Title: The Immortals

Director: Tarsem Singh (The Cell)

The Pitch: "If You Think Greece Is Messed Up Today, You Shoulda Seen Them Three Thousand Years Ago!"

Plot Summary: Hunky guys, scantily clad goddesses, magic weapons, slow-motion bloodletting, and lots of stuff blowing up and falling apart. What, you want a plot as well?

The Verdict: Combines the "huge gouts of blood floating in midair in the midst of mangled body parts" from the TV version of Spartacus, the strange washed-out ochre look of "300", the demented mythical revisionism of "Thor", the "evil legions attacking noble few" plotline  of pretty much every other fantasy movie for the last three decades, a soundtrack apparently recorded during an earthquake, and a cast that should be doing daytime TV trying to play gods and goddesses. 

What shines? Mickey Rourke, rapidly replacing Dennis Hopper as "Psychotic Villain of Choice", gleefully growling and hacking his way through the role of Hyperion, the Very Bad Guy.

What sucks? Pretty much anything to do with character, rhythm, storytelling, plot coherence, pace, drama, emotion, history, or mythology.

Watch For: Great abs. That's pretty much it.